I have been MIA from here for far too long. There was a reason for not writing because I was planning to move the blog to a custom domain and inertia took the better of me. I genuinely missed writing here but it became that deadlock situation where I had to move domains first to start posting regularly and I wasn’t taking a start on the move per se.

However, more recently, something happened which I wanted to update in this space. We lost Rahul’s dad on 24th June. He was suffering from Amyloidosis. An incurable disease that may happen in kidney transplant patients. He was diagnosed with it somewhere around Sep’20. He basically got kidney transplant done around 14 years ago and regularly used to visit his doctor from Surat to Bombay every 3-4 months since then. However, ever since the pandemic, he had stopped doing that but he started observing some things about his body which eventually led to the diagnosis. Things only went downhill from there health wise. However, he had a great zeal to live. While all the doctors we consulted had made it clear that there’s no cure, he was adamant to keep going to his Bombay doctor to get whatever best treatment he can get. His doctor finally started Chemo with the intent that it would improve his health to some extent, but after the first session itself, he got extremely weak and struggled very badly. However, he was still pretty certain that it would take him 6 months to get back at his feet (quite literally, as he was unable to walk since past few months). However, he lost consciousness on Monday, 20th June, maybe it was a cardiac arrest, cannot say for sure. He was put on ventilator and gained back consciousness. Rahul and I were back in Delhi at that time but immediately flew back. He was conscious and aware of everything when we met him in the ICU on Monday night upon reaching. He was fully aware until Tuesday. Then, multiple surgeries and cardiac arrests (yes, multiple arrests) ongoing, he started losing consciousness since Wednesday and we lost him Friday morning, 24th June, 2.45 AM.

Rahul and I used to stay outside the ICU at night for those 4 days (his mom and sister used to stay during the day). On Thursday night, Rahul had asked me to put up an alarm of 2.15 AM so that we go inside the ICU to check on Papa. I found this surprising for 2 reasons – 1) Rahul had almost stopped going inside the ICU since Wednesday as he was scared to look at Papa in that condition, 2) i don’t know why he specifically said 2.15 AM. Even before the alarm could ring, doctors came out to call Rahul inside around 2.10 AM. I was asleep at that time, but woke up due to the startling beeps from the ICU. I rushed inside to see Rahul there and the doctors were trying mandatory CPR at that time saying that we are almost sure that we have lost him. The mandatory CPR was done until 2.40 AM or so and that’s when they declared.

Those 4 nights in the hospital were such an experience that I honestly hope to God nobody has to go through. I even thought of blogging it on one of those nights but just didn’t happen. I have never stayed in a hospital for such a critical, life-altering thing and being in the ICU ward just makes it even difficult to decipher.

Also, I wanted to mention – I didn’t make a post about my tauji (father’s brother) whom we lost to COVID during the delta wave. It was a conscious decision because I didn’t feel like it but I realized it would have been good to mention proper closure since I wrote a bit about it here and here . He was an extremely innocent man, the kinds who inherently try to do good for anyone and everyone but he was never very talkative and had become very difficult to talk to ever since he lost his wife (who passed away at 62). We used to have very less one on one conversations but he was a very warm man, his oxygen actually dropped suddenly, got hospitalized and the next day he was no more. Just a day before or so, he had actually called me up to check on me and my mom since we were also suffering from COVID. I am so glad he did.

Even with Rahul’s dad, I didn’t have a huge one on one relationship, and, in fact, just the other day, I was telling my MIL that when she had asked me to try convincing him on something that he was not agreeing to, I so didn’t want to do it because it had led to a huge fight and I didn’t want to get into that with him, since I didn’t have a huge camaraderie. While its okay to occasionally fight with someone whom you talk and share a great bond with, in this case, it just hurts because even at the time of the fight, I had this in my mind that he is so ill and I shouldn’t be pursuing this.

Anyhow, I want to end this post by recalling good things about him. One is that even though he considered taking care of himself the most important thing to him, he loved having people over from all spheres of life and showing them a good time when he was not ill. The other is the fact that he was a man of science and tried to reason everything logically and if a logical need arose for a known one, he tried helping as much as he could.

I hope he rests in peace wherever he is.

I have lost some very close people in these past couple of years and I hope they are all in a better place.

Also, people most attached get the strength to deal with the loss.

Things about Rahul I never want to forget #3

Disclaimer: I have copied the idea for this series from Haathi Time (who has now made her blog private) and I have taken permission from her to use the same title as hers. This series is about day-to-day things that my husband ends up doing which turn out profound for me and I would recall them here.

For previous posts in this series, go here & here.

This is a very recent incident. Rahul was job searching the past few months & while he was fairly confident of converting interview calls, he was not getting that many calls. Given the past record, even I was fairly certain of him converting one quickly. I don’t know what was wrong at that point but despite converting most of the interviews he got, he didn’t end up getting an offer. Either the position got closed or got filled internally or something made it not happen.

In the midst of all this, I got a call from Google. I wasn’t job hunting but I got a call from them. Of course, I was happy to get this chance but I wasn’t overtly excited. You know how it is, right? When a close one (in this case, life partner) is trying for something and you get a chance at it first? You are not able to fully enjoy the experience.

Anyhow, my first interview didn’t go all that great and Rahul was pretty concerned as he was excited about this opportunity way too much. Any of us getting into Google was a good deal. We were just talking waiting for results and expecting it to be a no since the interview didn’t go well. I casually mentioned that it would probably not be as sad if I was rejected but I referred him and he got in. Even at that point, when he was struggling to get interview calls, he said this – “nahi, tab bhi sad to lgega ki crack nai hua”. Basically he meant that it would still make him pretty sad that I couldn’t crack it. I guess what I am trying to say is this – despite all the times I got irritated with him for not being even a little insecure romantically (yes, you can judge me but I know you have been there too 🙂 ), its just who he is. He is the kind of uplifting partner who wants to see you grow as a person, be it personally or professionally. To be honest, I just considered it a very regular trait in him until a long time, which ideally should be the case. It should be a regular thing that partners uplift each other & enable growth, but its not actually the case. I see so many cases of well-educated men not being able to be this for their partners, that I have nothing but gratitude for the good fortune that I have.

P.S.: In case you were wondering, I didn’t get the job but I referred Rahul for interview to the headhunters and he is joining Google this month. 🙂

On Weeping | Blogmas 5

Not a very Christmas-y post, this one. But an important one nonetheless.

I had been meaning to talk about this since a long while but it just skipped my mind. Why is there so much peer pressure for not crying? Of course, i understand that one may not want to weep or cry in front of others to not make anyone uncomfortable or to not appear weak. But that’s just a part of the picture. Even weeping or crying alone is sort of considered taboo.

As for me, i think weeping makes one feel instantly lighter. Letting your emotions flow in the most physical sense cannot be so bad after all, I guess? Then why weeping is a sign of wrong doing? I don’t get this. One problem that I see with myself is that weeping comes so naturally to me and ever so often that sometimes when the matter is not that big of a concern, i end up scandalizing people around me. This definitely needs to change. I think somewhere I end up using it as a mechanism to gain shmpathh, which is so, so wrong on so many levels. However, I think others could definitely do with adopting more healthy weeping 😀 and, oh, the pressure that guys have for not crying. That sucks so much and definitely needs to go.

Getting the 1st Covid vaccine dose

I went for my first dose today. In India, to accept that you will have a slight struggle for operational tasks like this will take you a long way because then you are prepared to not be mad about waiting etc. I am not going to mention the obvious that we are so fortunate to be getting it. It’s a breakthrough truly, creation and availability both. I have to say though – things were extremely well managed, quick and efficient. I got it in a private hospital, but I have heard good experiences from everyone who got it done elsewhere, govt hospitals, community camps etc.

It definitely is a win in history that we as a race are getting vaccinated but, for me, it was a personal victory too. I didn’t cry even once at the sight of the needle (well, I didn’t really see it and avoided seeing it at every chance 😀), I only screamed slightly when the jab was going in but I think it’s still a big upgrade for me. Sure I may have scandalized a few around me with the scream, but still a big, big progress for an almost 30 year old who made the Covid blood test guy super uncomfortable.

I don’t feel any of the post vaccination symptoms yet, like not even mild sore. I hope everyone gets vaccinated soon, even though it seems like a difficult feat to achieve.

Days in Home Isolation | 17 | what’s even the point?

Few days back, I was talking to my friend (Moksha who blogs here by the way) that how I am craving to shop. I think she knows this much about me and those who don’t, I think it’s important for this post that I mention – I have never been an impulsive shopper. Even as a teenager, I liked being mindful of my purchases.

However, that day, as I was mentioning to her, I felt like shopping a lot of new clothes, makeup etc etc. Obviously, I didn’t give in but after that I got covid and I had to order a coloring book and some colors here at my parents place which made me feel good. Even buying a new moisturizer made me feel good.

But coming back to the original point, when I mentioned to Moksha that I feel like shopping, she happened to mention that she, on the contrary, feels like “what’s even the point of anything”. She meant it in the covid context, how everything feels pointless these days and while I understood and felt very sad, I had not felt that until then since Mar’20 which is a big deal in today’s time. I did consider myself lucky for not feeling that way. And then, covid happened. Now I know that this feeling of pointlessness has not got to do much with the fact whether you have had covid or not. You can feel this and millions around the world are feeling this without getting covid because that’s the sort of situation we are in. But, for me, it happened due to catching covid. Now is the first time since this whole pandemic began for us that I am feeling this way. I do a lot of stuff in my quarantine to keep myself occupied. Honestly, even before I got covid, I was taking pictures to post on “What I am doing when I am not doomscrolling on insta”. I am genuinely thankful for all these things. But, truly, the feeling of pointlessness is now hitting home. I am positive of not feeling this way once I join back work ( I never thought that I would say this but, yes, I think it will help).

What are you doing? If you are in India, do share your thoughts on how have you been dealing with this second wave.

Days in Home Isolation | 12

Last few days have been tough. Last Sunday Rahul and I came to my parents place because it was getting difficult to manage on our own with covid. My mom had just recovered at our place and went back to her home due to my father catching covid there. So it was not like we were adding to any risks by going there. so glad that we came because the next day my SPO2 levels started falling. This past week has all been about sleeping with concentrators all night and feeling better in the morning therefore. I am so so so thankful to friends and family who helped me get it. And I am even more thankful that I didn’t have to go to a hospital . Not sure if it’s the sensible thing to do, but I managed.

For now, I am facing breathlessness issues as soon as I get up from my bed. Rahul and my dad are doing fine except the weakness.

Hoping to come out of it all pretty soon.