Things about Rahul I never want to forget #1

Disclaimer: I have copied the idea for this series from Haathi Time (who has now made her blog private) and I have taken permission from her to use the same title as hers. This series is about day-to-day things that my husband ends up doing which turn out profound for me and I would like to recall them here. The first one in the series which happened in 2018 & is since in my drafts:

This is about the time I was sent abroad on a business trip. I am not mentioning the place on purpose to keep identity of people involved ambiguous (some of my friends from those days read this space).

Okay, so, I mentioned business ‘trip’ because it was too sudden and proposed to me as a short stint. I realized upon going there that this could go long and, as it later turned out, I had to actively try to not let it be permanent. The reason I am mentioning all of this is to highlight the fact that I wasn’t super ready to move at that time and I had just been out of another situation where I felt depressed due to being lonely while working in a foreign city. This time, I had mentally prepared myself to enjoy the most and have a great time. That last situation had made me a stronger person and also someone who treats such opportunities with respect. Instead of being sad, I was all ready to have a good time and I was open to forging some genuine friendships. It later proved to be a very memorable experience where I met some amazing people and the only regret I have is of not being this open in my previous similar stint.

As I was saying, this time was going very well and I was always open to meet new people when on one of these days, I got invited to a casual hangout at a bar with some office colleagues. Now this was a setting where all the people were a bit older than me and there was no other female. Just to be clear – the no female or the age thing matters to me only when I am in a group of almost strangers or acquaintances. This was a case of acquaintances and since it’s colleagues, you don’t want to be in a weird situation later on.

It was no big deal either way, whether I went or not. It was only a casual hangout. But when you are on your own in a new place where you are yet to have your comfort zone friends, you treat every social interaction with new people with a dubious eye. I was planning to cancel as I didn’t want to have any sort of embarrassing or weird situation with older colleagues to come out of this. Before cancelling, I just thought of calling Rahul up to talk about this and this is what I said – “I am thinking of not going, as these people are older than me. What would they think if I go out drinking with them? What if I end up saying something that would make me an office joke or something?”

And this is what Rahul had to say – “How does it matter? If they think anything bad of you, that means their mind is skewed a certain way. What are you so worried for?”

And this has stayed with me. I know, I know, these are very simple things to say but things that I end up forgetting a lot too. In that moment, this talk made me very aware of the fact that we let people get away with being judgmental and impact our life decisions. I wanted to go because I wanted to have a good time but the fear of being judged wasn’t letting me. In hindsight, I think one thing I admire the most about Rahul is his security in being himself, he will not act a certain way just because he is in a certain setting. (it’s a different story that he will go completely mum when he doesn’t like the setting). But I admire his comfort with being himself while people can judge all they want. 🙂

Anniversary Letters to Rahul | 2

Can’t believe it’s already time for letter 2. Mar’20 to Mar’21 has been one large limbo and then it is second wave of corona which has India again. This pandemic seems to be taking it all this time. Rahul and I have celebrated all our anniversaries in lockdowns until now, 2 years of being married and 2 years of lockdown anniversaries. ❤️

Oh well, still can’t be enough thankful for everything that I have. For health of loved ones, for being by your side and the fact that you can get an award for tolerating me among all this!

I love you and I cherish every moment with you, including the silly fights on broken aquaguards. Thanks for existing and coming into my life. Stay.

Love,

Your wife

Blogmas Day 4 | oh what an year!

Blogmas is allowed till 31st Dec in my books, so this shall continue.

Saying that this year has been a whirlwind of challenges, emotions and events for anyone is an understatement, because everyone around the globe felt this emotion this year.

I write this with a lot of privilege that I work in a job that allowed me the same kind of growth as I would have expected if it was a non-corona year and my life was much easier than a lot, lot of people in my country.

Besides, I honestly love working from home. Even though it means super stretched working hours and a loss of personal life, I like the idea of not rushing to an office and working in a typical work setting. The only aspect I miss of that is dressing up for work.

Being grateful for a comfortable existence, there is still a major part of my daily life that corona changed. On 19th March 2020, we had just started working from home when offices started taking the work-from-home route due to Covid. A friend of ours was staying with I and my husband as well, whose parents coincidentally live close to my parents place. As the weekend came, we thought who knows what happens in lockdown so let’s go to our respective parents places and off we went. Then, bam! it was lockdown and 4-5 months passed away. I think lockdown was a very good opportunity to be near to your parents as a routine and that felt so good but eventually we also started itching to be at our own place and it felt distant to be able to do so. Finally we managed to travel to Gurgaon to my and my husband’s place. The plan was to stay at our place for sometime and then travel to Rahul’s parents place in Surat (again, so that we can spend time with parents in this wfh scenario). We came to Surat on 8th Aug. We had planned to stay here for 2-3 months but my father in law was diagnosed with a critical disease and with the fluctuations in his condition every now and then we were in two minds in November whether we should travel back to Delhi or not. Actually it was a very close friend’s wedding in November which we didn’t want to skip (we were really hoping that it doesn’t happen during the covid times), the uncertainty to book or not to book delhi tickets continued and finally we went off. Within 2 weeks of being in Delhi, Rahul’s dad’s condition got worse and therefore we had to immediately travel back to Surat. So, now, here we are and in this entire ‘Corona kaal’ or the corona time that began from Mar’20 in India, we have lived in Gurgaon for a sum total of 20 days maybe. There is nothing I actually we miss more than being able to spend some time in my home, life as we used to know it. The worst part being not knowing when this uncertainty is over. Given the work from home situation, it’s also difficult to make parents understand the need for us to be in our own space. They don’t realize that this is what we maybe wanting.

I just thought I’ll log down here few things I miss from my life. Strange that this was our home for less than a year but still it feels so difficult to be away from it. I guess it’s because it was our first home together as a married couple –

– I miss being able to casually stroll in Galleria. It’s one of the cutest markets ever, and it’s right next to my place. It has a very fairytale setting.

– I even miss browsing Milkbasket, a grocery app in Gurgaon which delivers stuff at your doorstep the next morning. It always has some or the other new launch and it’s fun to browse and try out a new bread or some snack the next day!

– Coincidentally some of my closest friends happen to be in Gurgaon and I miss our casual as well as planned hangouts.

– I remember how much we liked chilling or having breakfast in our balcony under the winter Sun last year. I miss being able to do that!

– I miss just being. Plopping on my couch and watching tv with Rahul. We lucked out on a really nice apartment and I feel like I haven’t used it all that much yet, and it may soon be time to find another place due to x or y reason. 😔

I miss admiring my beautiful bookshelf and dresser and dining table.

I know all this is nothing compared to what many had to go through. Wishing health and happiness for all!

How has 2020 treated you? Share your silliest as well as your deepest thoughts!

Of loss and never getting closures

I love getting closures. I hate that movies/short films and more of such content is increasingly making it a thing to leave endings open & to ‘viewers discretion’. Like, hell no! You tell me what you wanted as an ending, dear content creator!

And what is that one thing that never gives you closure? Death. And more so, if you know just how much the person had the will to live. I broke down today watching a year old memories in my wedding video & everything about this unfortunate happening came rushing. In hindsight (of a couple of hours only :)), I feel such break downs are much needed to become more accepting of the loss. However, loss is one and closure is another. You never get this closure that this person wanted & expected life differently, he was so looking forward to getting better & going back to his life, had not given up & that was the ray of hope his near & dear ones held to. This is a fact that will not change. All we can do is hope that he is in a better place.

This break down is what triggered my post but I also started thinking of other instances of never getting closures, well, not never, but mostly. The most obvious one I thought of was lost friendships. Not the ones where you ‘lose touch’, although those can count too. But I specifically mean the ones where something just snaps off and neither of the parties ever try to fix it. It has happened to me a couple of times and it does hurt a lot.

Life would be much better with closures, but if there was a list of things where it would be nicer to have closures, death would top that list.

I hadn’t expected myself to write back here with a gloomy post, but it is what it is. Quarantine life has been so freaking busy with work life having no boundaries, that the little me time that I get is spent just being a potato. Writing never makes the cut. Monday blues hit harder and stay on till Saturday 😥 and I think I need to have a plan to make things better for myself.

Anniversary Letters to Rahul | 1

Took this idea off one of my favorite blogs. Let’s clear that out first.

The first anniversary letter itself is a day late. 🙂 Setting the right expectations now, are we? Don’t think so, Rahul, I’ll be there at all times, on time, always. It’s just the expression that has come a day late.

On that note, just what a day yesterday has been! Completely like any other day, packed with work end to end, and, finally, getting to watching Money Heist together later into the night. The only different than usual (or celebratory) thing was parents in Surat ordering food & sweets for us. A first home delivery for us ever since lock-down has ensued. Other than that, I cannot believe our first wedding anniversary just happened without any difference from routine. Just like this year of being married, actually. It just passed in a jiffy. In our hectic, consuming jobs, we didn’t do anything milestone-y. But when I look back, all I can think of is happy memories, happy days, fun times. And a life that I truly love.

Which is why this letter is so special. A first year of marriage where we cannot count tangible stuff like a big trip etc but all I can reminisce is how much we have enjoyed just being. Just being on the couch watching TV post work, just being in the balcony soaking up sun and having chai, just chilling in the balcony at night with friends and gossiping, forcing you to come out & do groceries on weekends rather than ordering doorstep delivery. I have always been the kind of person who wants to believe “enjoy the simple things”, but with you by my side, it has come naturally.

Not going on our honeymoon will remain a funny story always – we both were too involved in planning our wedding and, hence, were in two minds about going on a honeymoon, as we didn’t have the time to plan it. Finally, we did decide to go to Seychelles & when we were just about to book tickets, we got to know that Rahul’s visa had expired. Hence, the honeymoon was postponed. Although, we did spend a couple of days in this tiny hill station near Surat, Saputara, right after our wedding functions. A mini-moon of sorts? What is the literal meaning of honeymoon, mini-moon etc etc? I don’t know, but the point is conveyed. This year we were thinking of planning a trip. While you are quite bummed about not being able to travel due to the Covid outbreak, since you had really considered this as a replacement of that postponed honeymoon. I am quite okay. I am just as bummed as any other person who wants to travel, but that’s pretty much it. As bookish as this may sound, I look forward to routine with you. I look forward to every day. My wish is that this feeling remains the same for years to come, our love grows & we get to spend many, many more years of togetherness.

Happy first wedding anniversary, Rahul! Here’s to a lot more love, togetherness, dreams & happiness together!

38 | Rains

Just now, as I sit in the bedroom listening to splitter-splatter of raindrops in my balcony and around, I wish I could curl up with you, a good book and some hot snacks & beverage. 🙂

So much for always saying that I don’t understand what’s so romantic about rains really!